Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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