No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
