Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
My dick has a subreddit
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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