matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
