Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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