Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
