So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
