Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
