I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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