EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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