Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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