Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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