I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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