Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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