ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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