If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
