its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
