Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
