you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
