My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
