we have pet lesbian snakes
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
