i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
