i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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