I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
