I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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