What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
