I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Damn victory sex feels great
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
