My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
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He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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