The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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