the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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