The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
