When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
