Sry I called you an 8
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
