is wine microwaveable?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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