the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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