Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
