i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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