If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
