totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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