and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
