You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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