Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Too much gin, very little bucket
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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