My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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