just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
