Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I love you.
Bad choice
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
