i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
