I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
