Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
