we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
