I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
