Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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