Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
