you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
