I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
