do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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