First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
